Rambling

I'm surprised by the subtlety of my life right now. Even the effects of big moments and turning points in life take weeks to realize their full impact, and time seems to move ever so slowly for me lately. Get blood tests taken one day, and wait a month for results, and if there are none, you wait more for new symptoms to present themselves. Meet a new person, wait for months as a friendship slowly and timidly grows, and then after they leave, you start all over. Hear a new thought or idea and realize weeks or months later that it has made it's way into who you are and become part of what you believe. Days and nights blend into nothing more then the passing of hours and weeks lose their meaning. I think i measure things more by the phases of the moon and the turning of seasons then by the names of the days. I have to. My health, thoughts, beliefs, small events that become turning points in my existence like a spilled bottle whose contents work their way outward to become something in and of it self, profound.

Existential Dreaming

I tend to have weird existential dreams. Here's the one i had last night:

I was a criminal mastermind, caught, and being driven to where i would be put to death by electrocution. (Analyze that one freud!) I was keeping my composure, determined to stay cool and collected till the end, until the car turned the corner to the building where i was going to be put to death. To the right of me was a field of yellow wild flowers, and to the left, the cold stone building. Suddenly, all in one moment, the realization of death hit me. In a few moments, I was never going to see anything again. I would never feel, never smell, never breath, never think, I was never going to exist again. It paralyzed me. A cold sweat swept my entire body in an instant and I braced myself to keep from collapsing as pure, unrestrained, unescapable terror gripped me down to the deepest part of my core. A fear deeper and more real then i have ever felt before. The driver in the front seat asked me what was wrong and i looked up, regained my composure, and replied: "Nothing." And the car drove on. And the dream ended.

I always thought i would be ok with nonexistence . That i would welcome the idea of death being nothing more then the end of it all. No heaven, no hell, no anything. The atheist's paradise. Just dreamless sleep. But now that i know what that prospect feels like, it's one of the most terrifying hells i can think of.

Dress Up

Sometimes when my sleep cycles have me up all night and i get bored, i play dress up and then take pictures of myself (like the red skirt photo a few posts back). Which come to think of it, is probably one of the most vain things a person can do. Except maybe to then go on and blog about it. That would just be over the top.

Anyway, this one turned out kind of quirky and i liked it. If you're on facebook then you've all ready seen it gracing my profile, but for those of you who haven't, here you go!


And to take the self glorification of this post down a notch, here is an amazing song by The Notwist. I listened to this song a lot when i moved to Elizabethtown two years ago, and it's one of those songs that becomes dear to you and carries with it all the memories of that time in your life. Which actually brings it back around to being about me! haha. Well, at least i tried. If nothing else, I think the song somehow goes with the picture.

One With The Freaks

Motion City Soundtack

So, I've kind of been a poor blogger lately, but i have to break my streak of non-posting and share with you all my love of Motion City Soundtrack. They are perhaps one of the most perfectly addicting bands ever to grace us with their musical talents. They are also one of the few artists that i can put in their CD, listen to it the whole way through and love every song. Infact, i couldn't for the life of me decided which one song to post, and ended up narrowing it down to the 3 that i think are my favorites by them (though i had to cut out Resolution, and L.G. Faud, and When You're Around, and i haven't even had a chance to transfer their new CD onto my computer so non of those were an option... meh, these three will have to do). So for all you Google blogger subscribers, be sure to click onto my real blogger page so you can give them a listen!

Attractive Today:


Feels like Rain:


Make Out Kids:



Also, here's their myspace page (if you're into that sort of thing) where you can check out their newest album. Be sure to listen to the song This is for Real. I liked that one too.

Rain Study

In keeping with my rain theme (the Chasing Cars video and the beautiful rain outside today) I drew a picture. It felt good to draw. I haven't done it in a very long time.

I don't know why i couldn't draw his eyes. He just looked so much more complete without them. Maybe that way the viewer can put in whatever emotion they need to see. Hope, sorrow, joy, confusion, longing. I don't know. I guess i left them out because i couldn't tell what he was feeling. It kept changing every time i looked at it.

Chasing Cars

Maybe it's my love of rain, or water, or brown eyed boys, but this is my new favorite music video. It's by Snow Patrol for their song Chasing Cars, and before you click off expecting the horribly pop MTV version we got here in the states, let me tell you that this is the UK released music video which is so wonderful that it has completely restored my faith in Snow Patrol! The video beautifully enhances the song and i swear i can almost feel the rain and smell the earth as it plays out:

Fall at Your Feet

Here's a recording of another song I'm working on. At some point I'll have to find some other way to record these then the built in mic on my computer, but for now here's me playing my favorite song by James Blunt:

Fall at your Feet - James Blunt

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
And I think that I'm beginning to know her

Let it go, I'll be there when you call
And whenever I fall at your feet
Do you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that you're talkin’
Words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you
Go, I'll be there when you call

And whenever I fall at your feet
Do you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help?
Who knows where that might lead
I fall

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help?
Who knows where that might lead
I fall at your feet